i can't stand this house, this city. it is so haunted by the life that i tried to make with 256.

i've been offered rescue by my darling megpye, but i can't seem to set into motion the things that i need to do to move to edmonton. i want to move to edmonton. i think i would like to move to edmonton. i just need to set this in motion.
it seems totally impossible.

bank account: $36.21
and that seems to be the least of my worries.

i spend too much time fretting and missing 256. the hurt feels as fresh as it did in november.

i spend an almost comparable amount of time missing and pining for e, who i fear is lost to me now.

it's not that i am sad all the time, but that there is this terrible underlying miserableness. i had an amazing time at the jazz club with ni last night. i laugh with real delight at pictures of kittens and puppies. even if it's the prime minister.
YES, STEPHEN HARPER LOVES KITTENS. CAN HE REALLY BE ALL BAD? DID YOU SEE THE ONE ABOUT THE CAT WHO TAKES THE BUS? ALSO PRETTY CUTE.

i have a feeling that is sort of like wanting to do things, but it is overshadowed.
so i hide in my room and tend the animals and plants and read. and read all my waking hours. and i lie in bed with ni and hold him, all my sleeping hours.

love is as perennial as the grass, as my mother likes to quote. and i do love, so passionately. so newly. and that huge giddy bubble of love, sweet and torrid as it may be does not seem to dispel or displace the hurt in my heart.

so i cry sometimes, and i am sad a lot. but i am still delightfully happy, and pleased, and adoring, and elated. but the one melts back into the other.

i can't find my strengths, my resolve, my motivation or my conviction. there is sadness, and there is comfort. and love, and yet so much longing.